awakingsleep

Have they been eavesdropping?

2009-08-03T20:11:00.000-07:00

Using some converted credit card points to shop at a fancy-pants beauty store, I decided to splurge on a different soap and a candle set, and got to choose several free samples as well. It's always fun to have tiny little sizes of things you wouldn't even bother browse in the store; they cost more per ounce than silver, for goodness sakes! Somehow the people at Sephora must know that I've been feeling a little angsty as of late, though, because in my box was also a completely unaccounted for bottle of nearly-black nail polish!) Apparently, it's because I checked a box and became a "Beauty Insider."

There are a lot of blogs devoted to nail color.

Relieved

2009-07-30T18:22:00.000-07:00

Today at 5 marked the end of the super-busy season with my job. I cannot believe how unbelievably relieved I was when the weight of the world was no longer on my shoulders. I have a stack of 30 printed pages that were ready to go in case we needed (we did not) them that will now be used as coloring fodder.

busy day - busy season

2009-07-27T18:56:00.001-07:00

I think today's datebook was as full for a day as this coming month's is for a month. Today wasn't so bad. I'm a little afraid for the upcoming month, but it was nice to be busy today.

Reflections

2009-07-24T19:54:00.000-07:00

It's crazy, having a toddler. They're big enough to get when you're stressed, but not why. I still can't get over what a mirror Ella is... not that she's just like me, but that she shows me how I am. I'm discovering how much of a workaholic I am by relating to her and seeing how short-tempered I am when I'm afraid I'll fall behind on another responsibility - even one that's not that important. I didn't realize that things bled over like that.
I'm glad she brings out the best and weakest in me both. Hopefully someday she will be, too.

Where are the menfolk?

2009-07-23T18:53:00.000-07:00

So, I work for an international high school exchange organization. I have 3 students that I'm responsible for and 1 that I am still working to place for the year. I've had several leads that have fizzled out on this, which has been discouraging.

The strange thing that I realized today, though, was that every time I received contact from someone, that person was female. There is one exception from a caller who seemed to think I was looking to rent out a room, although I'm still not sure about that experience, and one from a previous host family where the dad was the driving force, but, although I email the family through him, on the phone I end up almost exclusively speaking with his wife.

This strikes me as funny in such a two-career household environment.

Swimmingly

2009-07-22T11:38:00.001-07:00

Yesterday I got invited to the pool with a friend from church. She had just stopped by to tell me something and asked if I wanted to go with her when she went today. I seriously thought of begging out of it, given how I thought I hate going to the pool, but since I don't see her family nearly enough given how close they live, and that I want to get to know her and her kids better, I thought I'd better agree.
But, today I discovered that I actually like going to the pool. Apparently the key for me is a big floppy hat. Really.
I am still seriously stunned that I enjoyed myself. I usually hate how the pool is bright and glary and it's so hot out on the pool deck and you bake in the sun, and, and, and, etc. But they had this shallow little sloping pool where Ella could run, and I could soak a bit and chase her a little... it was so delightful I chatted with Lisa and met another mom with a little girl between our daughters' ages. We ate lunch together in the concessions area. Ella didn't quite know what to make of it all at first, and we really need to work on explaining the boundaries of the infinitely delightful pool, but man - we're going back next week.
File that under things I never thought I'd want to do.

misleading terminology

2009-07-21T11:35:00.000-07:00

So, I've been reading a little bit of The Political Mind and thinking about the nature of how terminology frames the perception of a particular topic. Lakoff's thesis is (very loosely - apologies, Mr. Lakoff!) that there are certain relationships between things that become hardwired in our brains through early experiences that are reflected linguistically through deep-seated metaphors (e.g., warmth = love or acceptance; It took him awhile to warm up to me.). We combine these metaphors to create larger metaphors that help us orient ourselves in relationship to other people and concepts. The more experience we have supporting these relationships, the more useful and significant they are for expressing concepts. Conversely, that the more we use these metaphors linguistically, the more they entrench relationships between things in our minds. The political implications that he fleshes out through what I've read of the book so far are that the more we play within the bounds set by the other side's metaphorical view of the situation, the more we actually reinforce their take on the world, by reinforcing the metaphorical pairing within the minds of anyone listening, and that getting to the root of what we want to express, and painting a full vision of how we see things working, is the key to making gains. His research sits at a fascinating juncture of linguistics and cognitive neuroscience, and I'm looking forward to finding the time to actually do justice to the nuance of the argument.
All that to say, I've been thinking a lot lately about what it means to be Ella's primary caregiver, and I realize how significant everything flagged for me by the phrase "stay-at-home mom" is in some of the dissatisfaction I feel in this role. For me, particularly, the phrase "stay-at-home" has enormous connotations of boredom and constraint.
But, I also think that using "stay-at-home" has to do with the larger framing of the work/stay-home debate. It ties together the delight of being there to witness your child's early years and get to know them intimately and have the privilege of imparting your most cherished ideas and values to another young life with a deeply unsatisfying patriarchalist paradigm that dictates where exactly a woman's place is and what exactly she is good for. And it makes being with your children the marked case.
This is still only the chaotic seed of an idea. I do know, however, that keep my sanity, Ella and I are going to have to get out a little more. And if we do that, I'm going to need a new word for myself.

Small ironies

2009-07-19T18:01:00.000-07:00

I'm really great at running an office for other people, but not really so great at organizing my own.
If something's objectively my job to do, I can do it fairly easily; the more it can be said to be for my own gain, the more likely I am to put it off.
What is my deal?

Stock - the cheap way!

2009-06-25T11:18:00.000-07:00

For a friend, who asked how I make my stock....

This is the more intentional, precision way I would make stock. However, I usually make it the cheap and more imprecise way.:)

Stock - the cheap way!

All month long, there sits a bag in my freezer, labeled Chicken Stock. In it are an extremely eclectic assortment of things: The fresh thyme I only needed half of, right before it started to shrivel, the last 1/4 bunch of parsley that would have been overkill in that salad, scrubbed carrot tops, broken off celery bottoms, onion ends and those teeny tiny garlic cloves that aren't worth the time to peel. Chicken bones - a roast chicken carcass, skin removed from chicken thighs, or the wings that just didn't get used from a cut-up whole chicken, giblets, too, except the liver. You can save most everything for making stock, but anything beyond those core ingredients can significantly change the flavor expected flavor. If you're cool with that, so am I. :)

When it comes to making stock, first get out your bag and look it over - to make good stock, you want about even amounts of celery and carrots, and about as much onion as the two combined. If you need more of anything chop it up. If you have too much of one thing in your bag, save it for next time. Next step is to get out a stockpot, and get it heated with a few tablespoons of Olive Oil. Lightly saute your veggies and meat portions, along with about a dozen peppercorns (black or szechuan, for a different flavor) until it all becomes fragrant. At this point, add cool water until it reaches about an inch from the top of your pot. Stir this once, but after that, leave it alone. Let this heat until it nearly reaches a simmer. At this point you can add a handful of fresh parsley, and a few bay leaves. Let steam/simmer for 3-4 hours uncovered. If it gets pretty frothy, skim off the top, but it shouldn't get too bad if you are vigilant to keep it from boiling. When done, ladle through fine strainer or cheesecloth into containers to cool. Use in 3 days or freeze.

Adding salt is a matter of personal preference. Some people suggest adding it as a preservative, or to bring out the flavors of the vegetables better. Others warn against it because it's easy to oversalt if you have to reduce your stock or stock-based sauce. I personally don't salt.

Took my breath away.

2009-05-20T13:59:00.000-07:00

love of man, love of God

your love is a violent one.

with burning heat, you bloody sun,

you give up breath (give up place)

while my love stands and hesitates.

~
your love bursts in sobs and groans.

mine speaks in more moderate tones,

rightly birthed from royal thighs

(erased, all trace of blood and cries),

~
while you glory and delight

in the dirt you joined, we fight

to rise above what you dove into.

i will not choose to love like you.
~

your love pours with raucous noise.

Mine stands tall with noble poise

and when the history books are read

mine is lauded—yours is dead.

2-08 Molly Aley

A heavier topic

2009-03-05T11:39:00.000-08:00

I just added a badge to my sidebar on here. I came across the website via several wander-y internet links, and reading the stories just about broke my heart. I've seen people I love dearly not speak openly when they needed help because of the paradoxical shame that permeates abuse. Even now, there's no telling what secrets my friends and family hold... simply because they're not telling.

These women are telling, and by taking the small step of listening to and supporting them in their internet semi-anonymity, I want to learn to hear the people around me, and make a safe space for them to find their way, too.

My Weekend

2009-02-08T11:37:00.000-08:00

So I was sitting at my computer today and wondering what my next activity would be. Should I bake some bread out of my awesome cookbook or should I pick up my crocheting that I never finished five years ago? One can never tell what my next move will be. I know for sure that at some point during the day I will be checking my RSS's and stumbling upon a new adventure in that glorious world. Maybe Ella will want to go outside because it is a gorgeous day. I just spent a wonderful weekend at Rachel's house. She is a dynamic and charming woman. I can't wait to see that handsome baby because he will be the most handsome little baby I have ever seen. This was the best weekend ever. Maybe one day I will remember to sign out of my blogger.

I am obsessed with my new cookbook!

2009-01-12T14:59:00.000-08:00

So, I am nowhere near the fantastic food photographer my cousin is, but I am so excited to have made this bread today that I am posting these pictures anyway. I bought a new cookbook at our fantastic local bookstore and have been dying to make some "artisan bread in 5 minutes a day" (without kneading- this is too good to be true!!) ever since... ever since Saturday, that is. Now, in fairness, I saw the book linked in the sidebar recommendations here and have been wanting it for probably two weeks now... that's like 6 or 7 times longer. That's totally a long time. Totally.

This is my first loaf with the new technique, as well as my first attempt at bread that's neither rolls nor rolled up in a loaf pan. I think from the top it looks pretty good.

From the side, you can see it's "shortcoming" a little more. It was only about 3" tall. But, gloriously, the book comes with a troubleshooting guide...

Short, spread out bread: ✔
Really freaky-large holes: ✔
Delicious flavor, but with a texture a little too much like bagels for bread: ✔

Problem: Too much water/not enough flour.

This is not surprising, since the technique relies on a high-moisture dough, and I'm a total N00B at anything but cinnamon-swirl bread. Easily remedied, though, and I have enough dough remaining in the fridge for several more loaves. I'm looking forward to making another tomorrow. And then moving on to things like brioche and intentional bagels. Yum!

Casseroles... known only by their contents.

2008-12-14T19:56:00.000-08:00

So, one day I made up a casserole. It's gone through several iterations. Here's one that doesn't require the unorthodox things like Krakow Nights seasoning that I have in my spice cabinet thanks to @Amyonymous (if using that, put in 1tsp of it instead of the dried parsley). You can substitute basil for the marjoram.

It comes in two parts - the casserole, and the bread-crumb topping.

Chicken Broccoli Rice Cheddar Casserole (serves 4 adults)
Ingredients:

4T butter, divided
1.5c dry rice, cooked per package directions (~3c cooked)
2 chicken breasts, cut into bite-sized pieces
1/4c minced onion (~1/2 small onion)
3 cloves garlic, minced
1/2 tsp salt
1/2 tsp black pepper
1.5c frozen chopped broccoli
1 tsp dried marjoram
1 tsp dried parsley
2c grated cheddar
1/2c whole milk
Crumb Topping, as listed below

Directions:

Preheat oven to 350F.
Begin cooking rice.
Meanwhile, combine chicken, garlic, onion, salt & pepper in bowl.
Create crumb topping as listed below.
Over medium heat, melt ~2T butter in large dutch oven.
Add chicken mixture and cook approx. 2 minutes, stirring occasionally.
Add marjoram, parsley, and broccoli. Cook, stirring occasionally, until chicken is cooked through. Add more butter as needed.
When rice is cooked, add to cooked chicken. Stir.
Add cheddar cheese and milk. Stir until cheddar is melted in and mixture is well blended.
Transfer mixture to 2 quart casserole dish, cover with crumb topping and heat in oven until topping is lightly browned or crisped ~10-15 minutes.
(Optional) Any remaining butter or extra cheddar cheese may be used over crumb topping.

Crumb Topping

Combine the following in food processor and blend until bread and crackers are crumbled:

2 slices bread
1/2c cheddar goldfish
1/4c grated parmesan
1 tsp rubbed sage
1/4tsp paprika
1/4tsp black pepper
dash cayenne (optional).

If any of you try this, can you let me know if the recipe works out? A friend asked for it and it's hard to proof your own directions. Thanks!:)

Things I learn from, part the first.

2008-11-30T18:18:00.000-08:00

Here is the beginning of a list of things I have enjoyed learning from in the past year...

AskMoxie - (Parenting - esp small children) She's kind of taken a turn to discussing more parents-as-people topics, which I can get on board with, but what really helped me tons is her archives. The Q&A, with the truly helpful multi-perspectived commenters. Great parenting resource, especially for when you are looking for new approaches.

Shark Tacos - (Religion) I went through a patch with my previous church where they just weren't addressing the things I was working through. I didn't realize how disillusioned I was becoming until I read some of the stuff on this blog and found myself in tears regaining some perspective. I'm still sorting through some big questions, but I love the generous Christlike viewpoint I find here, especially in some of the longer articles you'll find linked in the sidebar.

Crockpot! - (Food) In my heart, I used to mock people who used their crockpots. I pretty much thought it was for soup, and the dreaded beef stew. I love Stephanie, because she makes things that I like (like korean ribs! or falafel!) possible to make in the morning, so when the toddler witching hour comes, I can still have food on the table in time. I can go pretty much anywhere on the internet to find recipes, but this site elevates slow cooker to an art form.

more later:)

Poem: Book I, #17

2008-11-19T17:10:00.000-08:00

Rilke's Book of Hours has been blowing my mind lately. This one, especially, takes my breath away.

She who reconciles the ill-matched threads
of her life, and weaves them gratefully
into a single cloth –
it’s she who drives the loudmouths from the hall
and clears it for a different celebration

where the one guest is you.
In the softness of evening
it’s you she receives.

You are the partner of her loneliness,
the unspeaking center of her monologues.
With each disclosure you encompass more
and she stretches beyond what limits her
to hold you.

I, 17

I'm famous!

2008-10-29T19:32:00.000-07:00

....or at least my removed-but-forever-immortalized manicure is!:)
My cousin, Heather, blogged about our cooking adventures. To summarize: we rock.
I almost wrote "my new cousin, Heather...." Even though I have been hearing about my southern cousin since at least middle school, we only just officially met about 2 months ago. It is extremely exciting to have a cousin only 7 months (rather than 7 years!) older than me, and even better, she lives less than an hour away!
I predict more culinary delights in our future.

Office Cleanse

2008-10-18T19:22:00.000-07:00

So - My sister got married. She is hitched:) It was a very busy affair, but a beautiful wedding and a fun reception and I am so happy for them all around.
Bachelorette's Last Stand
Now that we are back, I am processing, processing, processing. I'm not sure I'll have much to say on the blog until my head clears. BUT, I will tell you that all this emotional upheaval made the perfect to-do list segue to cleaning out the office. Let's just say the last 6 months haven't been good for my filing system; the next six days won't be good for my living room as I use it as a staging ground for the new, improved organizational system. Look! Cute birthday picture at the pick-your-own-raspberries place. You didn't think I was going to own up to an office picture did you?
I'm looking forward to seeing what else this entire month of no traveling and no overnight houseguests will bring. But don't worry, we've got day visitors from out of town in a month, and plans to travel out-of-state in December. We won't let it get too boring around here - there's gnocchi to be made, after all!:)

For Amy, and maybe Stephanie, too.

2008-09-20T17:11:00.001-07:00

I'd say for Heather, but I didn't take any pictures;-).
(Below is the recipe verbatim. Below that are my adjustments - not too many, though.)

Chicken Minestrone (aka, quite possibly my favorite soup)
(from Cook's Encyclopedia of Soup by Debra Mayhew)

Ingredients:
1 Tbsp olive oil
2 chicken thighs
3 bacon slices, chopped
1 onion, minced
a few fresh basil leaves, shredded
a few rosemary leaves, minced
1 Tbsp chopped fresh flat-leafed parsley
2 potatoes, cut into 1/2-inch cubes
1 large carrot, cut into 1/2-inch cubes
2 small zucchini, cut into 1/2-inch cubes
1 or 2 celery stalks, cut into 1/2-inch cubes
1 quart chicken stock
1&3/4 cups frozen peas
scant 1 cup stellette or other small soup pasta
salt and freshly ground black pepper
parmesan cheese shavings, to serve

Directions:
1. Heat the oil in a large skillet. Add the chicken thighs and fry for about 5 minutes on each side; remove with a slotted spoon and set aside.

2. Add the bacon, onion, and herbs to the pan and cook slowly, stirring constantly, for about five minutes. Add the potatoes, carrot, zucchini, and celery and cook for 5-7 minutes longer.

3. Return the chicken thighs to the pan. Add the stock and bring to a boil. Cover and cook over low heat for 35-40 minutes, stirring the soup occasionally.

4. Remove the chicken thighs with the spotted spoon and place them on a board. Stir the peas and pasta into the soup and return to a boil. Simmer, stirring frequently, for 7-8 minutes or according to the package directions, until the pasta is just al dente.

5. Meanwhile, remove and discard the chicken skin. Remove the meat from the chicken bones and cut into 1/2-inch pieces.

6. Return the meat to the soup, stir well, and heat through. Taste and adjust the seasoning as necessary.

7. Serve hot in warm soup bowls, topped with parmesan shavings.

YUM! This last time I made this (read: Thursday), I substituted about 4-5 big leaves of kale, chopped, for the celery and zucchini. For pasta, I use small shells (which amusingly get the frozen peas stuck in them all the time). Dried herbs are fine, with the standard rule of use half as much dry as you are asked to use fresh (although the fresh herbs are just a little more awesome). And no, I neither measure my olive oil nor warm my soup bowls. I like to live on the edge like that;-).

Hello, old friend.

2008-09-16T17:45:00.000-07:00

So, apparently, sometimes it goes from being hot out to being pleasantly cool out. I'm familiar with this on a daily timescale, but did you know it could happen on a more monthly one, too? I have this vague recollection of something else coming after summer, not slightly-less-hot-with-more-rain-and-risk-of-imminent-weather-caused-death, but maybe drop? or was it tumble?... oh, right, fall!
I think I learned about that in high school, and promptly lost all recollection of it in Oklahoma. But, really. Sometimes it gets cooler out before the trees lose all their leaves.
This morning I went with another mom to a great park around here. I almost wished I had a jacket for the first half-hour.
I can hardly wait until hot cocoa days!

(My apologies to friends in Oklahoma and West Texas. You are always welcome to come here and use me for my climate!)

Whirlwind! or I think I might be hitting my stride.

2008-09-11T09:57:00.001-07:00

So, we moved here 111 days ago. That sounds kind of like a long time. I mean, it's only a few days shy of 1/3 of a year. But Oh My Goodness a lot has happened in that time.

Travel:
Dr. E has gone to California and Alabama alone for work.
We went back to Madison together for his work trip.
We went to NY for a few days for my sister's shower.
[Dr. E will be traveling again to AL this month, and my sister's wedding is only a month away.]

Visitors:
We've had friends from Portland and New York stay overnight, plus an Aunt came to stay for 2 nights as well. We've also had 2 sets of friends drop through for a couple hours and eat dinner with us. [We've got a combination of those two this weekend with a driveby overnight visit, and then some of our dear Oklahoma friends are going to be in town for Thanksgiving.]

Activities:
With Ella, I have library storytime, music class, and a mom's group (with babysitter) through our church (which, thanks to an introduction from Oklahoma, we already have). For myself, I am attending an evening Bible Study [and I'm going to be assisting with an advanced ESL class in a couple of weeks.] And one cannot forget the airplane museum.

Meeting People:
I feel so honored to have been invited into different people's homes for various playgroups, celebrations, and meetings. I'm also so excited that we've been able to have several people over to eat a meal with us. I really struggled with figuring out how to do that with Ella in Oklahoma. It helps to have a baby as part of the initial package, rather than to figure out how to add one in. Also - I MET MY COUSIN. Whom I've heard about for decades. With whom I have a ton in common, who is lots of fun, and who only lives about an hour away.

And all that has happened in the context of moving - transferring titles, unpacking, getting new licenses, opening new bank accounts, getting our internet hooked up (only took 10 days!), painting, figuring out how to get home in the dark through our confusing neighborhood, missing old friends.

It's amazing, though, how much good it's done to have that much upheaval. There is still so much to be done every day, but I am so happy that this craziness was at the start of our move to get the ball rolling. All the things I've learned about myself in the process will have to be another post, somewhere between the recipe for some seriously delicious steak pinwheels and an inane post on how autumn and I are having to get reacquainted after years apart in Oklahoma.

I hope you all are doing well, my 5-7 dear readers:).

A sign the neighborhood you're renting in is a bit beyond your reach....

2008-09-02T15:39:00.000-07:00

So, a few blocks down there's this house. It's always got two cars in the street out front, sometimes three, and then two more gathering leaves in the driveway. You know, your standard parts cars on standby. Right. So they are all Mercedes.

Circadian Rhythm?

2008-08-21T19:11:00.000-07:00

Dr. E and I recently celebrated our 5th anniversary. Overall, we have a happy marriage. It's had its fair share of adventures (PhD and first child for starters!) but it's rare that I'm not excited at the thought of him coming home at the end of the day. In light of that, it's come as somewhat of a surprise that I've really enjoyed my time alone with little E during the last three business trips he's taken.
Beforehand, I've been quite nervous, but while he's gone, I've been generally able to get out more *and* have the house cleaner by the time he gets back than I am while he's here - well, except for those pesky Olympics keeping me up till 1am this last time!
This time I realized part of the dynamic: I just don't have a daily rhythm. I think that Dr. E probably could have the exact same routine 90% of the time as long as he had quality interactions and projects to fill their appointed slots. I just don't work that way. I actually function much better on a weekly timetable - load the front of the week with activities outside of the house, then slowly tone it down to get things back in order; ignore the cleaning, etc, for the first half of the week and rein it in with heaps of laundry and grocery shopping in the later half. By Saturday everything that didn't get done has piled up a little so it's time for some family togetherness and joint errands, enjoy church on Sunday, then back out into the slush fund of time that makes up my week. (Thanks to Po Bronson, via hedra for that very useful metaphor!) When I try to make my plans fit into a daily routine to coincide perfectly with Dr. E's, I often don't attempt as much for fear of being cut off in the middle.
Now, this seems simple, but it's been a really useful discussion point for us. I tend to look at anything that doesn't have a firm deadline as flexible... on the weekly scale I use to measure my time. My to-do list is a loose daily one drawn off a weekly pool of things that need to be done. If it doesn't get done this week, there's always next week! For Dr. E to fit my mold, he'd be being borderline irresponsible; for me to fit into his compromises my efficiency and delight. It's funny how it took 5 years for us to really *get* that the other was different in this way. Even more surprising is how refreshing the mini-separations are for each of us to own our time. Now that we know, we're on the lookout for how to mesh our two styles. I'm looking forward to seeing where that leads us!

Drum Parade - before and after!

2008-08-14T21:59:00.000-07:00

I have another post kicking around in my head about the rhythm of life I actually live vs what I would do if left to my own devices, but until that one comes together, here is a picture of the drum I made for Ella today:
It is a pretty small thing, but it feels like a triumph on so many levels - coming up with a fun way to reuse what would be sent out in the trash, actually making it to the store with Ella and surviving her in a stroller with racks of fabric everywhere to be grabbed, getting up my gumption to actually cut fabric and use modgepodge, and generally just getting this done instead of leaving it to decay in my "good ideas" bin. I had a lot of fun doing it.
I'm especially proud of the strap. There is a smaller blue button on the inside of the sturdy polyester ribbon that slots perfectly into the slot left behind by the old blue ice cream handle and which is sewn through to the fun decorative yellow button that hides the end of the strap. (This picture does not do it justice) It was fun to come up with a way to attach it that worked with the structure of the ice cream tub and was still decorative and neat.
I'm surprised to find myself so eager to craft. I haven't wanted to do anything of the sort for a long time.

How Motherhood kicked my butt (into shape!)

2008-08-06T17:57:00.000-07:00

A friend of mine called yesterday to say she had just seen her baby in a sonogram for the first time. Since Ella's little 20wk-in-utero face was the last thing I had posted on my previous blog, this got me thinking about all that has happened during the last two years. If I remember right, I was pretty awesome at being pregnant. We moved across town, we helped 3 people move, we drove to Wisconsin, then flew to Iceland, 2 weeks later we flew to NY unexpectedly, we had house guests 3 times, and I worked part-time through a 100+ degree summer 7 months pregnant. I was still doing my own grocery shopping at 8.5mo pregnant. I kept myself busy enough that I didn't really let myself work through my insecurities and fears. But when Ella was breech and I had to have a c-section, everything changed. Suddenly, that veneer of strength was removed. I went from being pregnant and hauling groceries to not being allowed to lift any more than my 9lb baby. I went from driving all around town for work and errands, to not being allowed to drive for 2 weeks, or to flip the laundry or empty the dishwasher for 6. And I was a wreck emotionally. I was lucky to not have PPD as badly as some, but I think Post-Partum Anxiety might actually capture the irrational fear I had of driving to Jamba Juice and the weird insomnia/nightmares and instance of sleep paralysis (see possible causes - if that doesn't sound like new motherhood with a major surgery, I don't know what does!) that sent my world emotionally crashing down around me. Even though I regained my footing somewhat after a few weeks (months?), I was still hesitant to go anywhere I hadn't been before with Ella. What if she ... cried?!? The powerlessness was overwhelming. I can honestly say that if I were looking for the easy path (just for me personally, I can't speak to your experience with either of these!:)), I would take grad school any day over being a SAHM. Being a new mom kicked my butt.
BUT, this is where motherhood has also jumpstarted a part of my soul that was dying off. Being a mom reveals my every weakness all day long. For a long time I hated it, ran from it, sat zombie-like in front of my computer hoping that someone, somewhere would write something that would take my mind off of the numbing sense of inadequacy that haunted me. I still have those hours (and occasional days), and I still hate my weaknesses, but as I see Ella beginning to grow, and to imitate me, I find that something finally appears more important than my neuroses. I realize that I want her to be better than I am, more confident, more aware of her passions, more able to dive in and determine her own course. And that means having to model that, and to dare to let myself want it for me, too; this is where motherhood is kicking me into shape. I want our home to be beautiful and orderly so that Ella can find peace and delight here. I want to take good care of my body so that she can know hers is worth loving and taking care of, too. I want to pursue my interests wholeheartedly, because looking through the mirror of a small child makes me finally ask, why in the world would I not do what I love? And so, I'm starting to, step by step.
I was terrified when I found out I was having a little girl 3 Mays ago because I feared the gaping holes in my identity. I'm so thankful that loving her has opened the door for me to find myself worthwhile, too.

Thoughts on processing life in community

2008-08-04T19:03:00.000-07:00

(This entry is from an old blog, now deleted blog - starting over!)

Last Thursday night, I discovered I am not the only one who lies to my diary. In a roomful of talented fascinating women, I discovered about half of us would openly admit to such ridiculous self-censorship. The reasons varied. What if my parents read it? What if the only record of me were this book, these writings? What if I admit to myself who I am, and I don't like what I see? For me, I realized, it is a question not of my own character as much as facing denial. Not so much of finding myself in the wrong, but finding myself being wronged, choosing passivity, suppressing rage. And seeing my own responsibility in enduring that fate. And then one of my fellow self-censurer said maybe it's best that way. As I listened, I heard her lay out, as she does so often, a powerful challenge. She said maybe we can't process all these big things alone. We're meant to live in community, having our rough edges smoothed and our finer points sharpened by the grace and forgiveness offered by others, and affording them the same. And the more I think about it, the more I realize that she's probably right. I lie to my diary because it can't give me what I want, what I need. It's not worth the arduous pain of self-expression to keep it to myself. I am so thankful to the dear friends who have let me share my heart with them and have had the tissues ready, and who don't hide their pain from me. And I grow more confident each day that sharing all these heavy burdens really makes the loads lighter all around.